i think you should know

Dear Sayang,

I’m sorry I’m writing here instead of telling it to your face, because I want you to read this when you are alone, so that in a clearer-headed and much calmer condition, you can read and understand what I’m going to say.

I know we have been fighting about it lately. I know it upsets you big time. I know you want me to stop doing it for good reason. I know you are concerned. But believe me, Sayang, I have no intention to disrespect you, or hurt you even.

Sayang, this has been my vice and I am not proud of it. You knew about it, even before we met. You were well aware of it, weren’t you? It wasn’t an issue back then, then why should it be one at present?

Sayang, I’m not doing it to be ‘in the zone’, or attempting to look cool, or whatever faux pas’ reasons others could have for doing it.

It is something that I have been doing since I discovered that it resolved my issues. As silly as it sounds, it is the main reason. You know what issues kan, Sayang? No amount of water, veges, fruits or fiber or pil chi kit teck aun can help me. Do you know that it affects me both physically and emotionally? I get depressed and restless and my tummy gets buncit. Sometimes I get nauseous too.

It is not a rebellious act. I didn’t do it to show my protest against the world, let alone you. I don’t do it in your presence, which shows that I do respect you.

I have to be frank; you must know that I am not going to stop because of you. Not because you say so, not because you want me to.

Remember when you said that a breast enhancer cream would do me good, but I dismissed the idea automatically? It was because of the same principle – I will not change for anyone but me. I will not try to change anything about my body because I have no problem with it. I am satisfied and very much comfortable with my own bod.

So Sayang, I am going to smoke when I want to and stop when I feel like quitting, or when I am diagnosed with lung cancer *touches wood* or the price of a pack reaches my ceiling price of RM10 *touches wood*, whichever comes first.

I am not an addict, don’t worry Sayang. I guess a pack for a week doesn’t make me an addict, does it? I don’t break in cold sweats or shiver when I don’t smoke. Sometimes I could even go on without the sticks for months, simply because I can.

I know it is very hard for you to relate and comprehend cause you're not a smoker yourself. Hence it's not making it any easier for us.

I am breaking the habit. I can. I promise I will. The choice is mine, so I will bear whatever the consequence(s) responsibly.

I am sorry, Sayang. Please don’t stay mad at me for too long.. I need you, and most of all I need you to understand.

p/s: i love u

Yours truly,
Tiena.T