i think this is cliche :P

Letter 1

Good morning, on July 7

My thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved
I can live only wholly with you or not at all -
Be calm my life, my all. Only by calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together. Oh continue to love me, never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
Ever thine
Ever mine
Ever ours.

Ludwig Van Beethoven to his 'Immortal Beloved'

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i think this is hilar..!!

This video has just toppled Gelimat off the number 1 spot on my most kelakargilababi-pick-me-up video chart. LOL!

i think if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it

I've been smitten by Maher Zain so much so that I want him to be on top. Maybe I should put it as a sticky eh. :P

Life's running at 110kmph at the moment. Both me and him are super busy, with work and stuff. Too occupied we're having trouble keeping up and making time for the mega Project Life Changing that's coming soon, if god's willing that is. We're too chilled about it it seems, moms are freaking out. Hehe. Oh well, it's insyaAllah. :)

I'm trying reeeeally hard not to talk about the ultimate W-word and the requisites, and not to mention, the migraines that comes with it cause I don't wanna jinx it. *touches wood, zips mouth*.. Oh well, insyaAllah kata si lelaki idamanku Maher Zain..

Anyway peeps, paranoia is really bad for your health, so stop shitting in your pants over someone or something yeah. Haha.. Well that reminds me of someone who once tergincit on my duvet, with the name (literally) still attached to it as testimony. LOL! :P

Alright. On to a more important issue now; what's for lunch?

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i think he is the one

I here pronounce that my love for Anuar Zain is dead and gone. I have found the one; the lelaki beriman, berjaya dan kacak, that is Maher Zain.

*pass barf bags around*

i think you know you've been on your phone too much when..

The first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is snatch your BB from the side of your pillow or on the nightstand to check on Twitter and Facebook feeds before you get out of bed.

You're in the office, hunched over your laptop composing an email. You anticipate an auto text would complete a word you're typing and pressing on the space bar would give you a full stop/period.

You're out with your friends, catching up and all. Mouth is talking but eyes are on the phone. Or you keep checking on your phone every 5 minutes, till one of your girlfriend complaints about it and threatens to end the friendship and ask you to start a relationship with your phone if you don't keep your hands off it.

So what happened when the BB service was 'disrupted' for 9 fuggin' hours?

I couldn't bbm or pingchat anyone, so I got back to SMS-ing. I couldn't be arsed to get on my laptop or wimax and surf the net, so I turned on the TV, did some room-keeping.

No funky withdrawal symptoms. I survived. Ha.

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i think i whip it real hard

Super huge girl crush, this one. I'm falling fcuking hard! ;) Some good genes you have, Will. I want your baby. LOL!

Don't let haters keep me off my grind

Keep my head up I know I'll be fine

i think i want her hair!

I am frustrated (frustrated is an understatement) every single time I browse through Corinne Bailey Rae live in Singapore vids on youtube. I should've been there, I got the SGD128 ticket for her show, but due to work commitment I had to forgo the concert and that makes me hate this godforsaken place I work in even more. Sigh, she probably not gonna come back to Asia anytime soon. Sobs..

Sigh.. She's just amazing. I want her hair! Like, seriously. :)

i think i am too busy getting OD-ed on coffee and food to deal with other matter

I am significantly losing weight and I'm getting worried. I weigh the same weight of 40 packets of tepung gandum cap sauh stacked together and that's not funny wey..

What's funny is I hadn't been sexercising at all during Ramadhan. And I was pigging out like crazy every other day especially at Ramadhan buffets.

I blame it on work stress, damn. And surbex. Yeah, if you're overweight, worried about getting obese, hardly exercise and can't stop eating but wanna shed off some, maybe you should take surbex supplement on daily basis. I somehow think that that got me thinner as my metabolism sky-rocketed with surbex.

So yeah, I'm declaring a serious mission to gain back all the lost kilos, and the mission starts now. Bring on the open houses, keep it comin'! :P I'm gonna eat eat eat, not exercise till I get fat.

But I miss running on Wednesdays and Saturdays with the boyfriend because hari-hari hujan. Sigh. Rain, rain, go away..

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i think this is a good Raya afterall..;)

Another unexpected call from an unexpected person. Never thought he would call on Raya after what happened between us, after what I did to him..

It was a pleasant surprise nonetheless, well I'm just stating the obvious but yeah, you've never failed to surprise me. Thank YOU, you made my Raya still a meaningful one, eventhough they took stupid circus show off the TV. :P

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i think i am thankful for the opportunity, humbled by the experience

I received an unexpected phone call last Saturday. It was from Diana, one of the kid at an orphanage that I went to couple of weeks back to share some Ramadhan love. She was calling from a relative's phone so I called her back right away.

The call was truly a pleasant surprise. I mean, I remember leaving feeling like a rockstar with the kids swarming around asking for my 'autograph', but I really didn’t expect them to really call..

I have always loved doing charity work. Volunteering to be exact. It's the least I can do since I don't have all the money in the world to contribute. But never before have I volunteered for orphanage or old folks' home because I.. get emotional easily and I can be such a crybaby am not that strong. -_-

The first ten minutes I got there, I was truly awkward - not knowing what to ask and what not to ask when making conversation. I wanted to know their life story but I couldn’t just ask how they lost their parents, or how did they end up there. I was overwhelmed with sympathy and empathy for these kids aged 4 to 12, I had to scoot to a corner and called SalmonKhan telling him that I might humiliate myself for crying for no reason in front of these kids. He told me not to cry and reminded me that the reason I am there is to make them smile. Felt a lot better after the conversation and with that in mind, things got better afterwards.

I got to know Diana and her group of friends while waiting for buka puasa. Most of them still have brothers and sisters and they are all sent to different homes. They said they will be transferred to another orphanage when they reach 13. They asked me about my mom, my dad, my siblings and how I celebrate Raya. They listened to my story enthusiastically and every single time I finish telling them about my mom, my dad, my siblings and the way I usually celebrate Raya, they went "Wah bestnya.." Then they told me how they wished they could celebrate Raya with their own parents, wearing brand new clothes and eating rendang together with their family, ending it with "Best kan, kak?", I swear I could almost see a longing infused with hopes in their eyes. Tell me that isn’t heart breaking and tears inducing..? :(

We were there for iftar and terawih. Probably the only terawih I did this Ramadhan -_- hahaaa. Didn’t eat much during iftar cause all of us were busy attending to the kids. Tiredness and hunger only sunk in on the way home. But the experience made all energy and time worth spending.

Sigh.. At this point of my life, I think I am ready to let go of the material world (read: quit my job) and become a full time volunteer. I am still waiting for the right opportunity. *wink wink nudge nudge at MAC*

Diana

Ummu & Athirah


Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri to you readers.
Maaf Zahir dan Batin. :)

i think all these things happen for a reason

Was calling mom to wish her birthday. Instead of the initial plan to surprise her by calling few hours early, I was surprised to learn an unfortunate news.

We didn't see it coming. Surely it wasn't a birthday present she would ever expected. It breaks my heart to hear mom sobbing on the other side of the line. It kills me for not being there to keep her company during this hard time, for not being able to do anything.

I strongly believe that things happened for a reason. This is a test from Him. Maybe a reminder too, for we have strayed too far. I guess what's important now is for us to stay together.

Ya Allah, ampunilah dosa-dosa kami dan kuatkanlah hati kami untuk menempuhi dugaan ini. Selamatkan ahli keluarga kami di dunia dan akhirat. Amin ya Allah.

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i think i am burnt out

I am still seeing some traffic at my old blog, which I have long abandoned since 2008. I wander (sic) why.. I wish I could tell them that they are so two thousand late, I don't have any flaming gossips anymore and that I have moved here for good. But nah.. Oh btw she is back. The shoes addict's back blogging yo, (p/s same URL) hehe.

Anyways my frustration with the boss has escalated to another level. The dispute is growing into a shouting match, in mute. I keep telling myself not to let him ruin my day but I am failing miserably and I'm losing my sanity day after day. My hormones are going haywire too. I am showing an exaggerated symptoms of hormonal imbalance be it time of the month or not. And I'm dead tired. And depressed. And I need a new job. Sigh. Work has been consuming my personal life too. He's also too swarmed with work, we don't spend as much time as we used to. Eventhough we see each other every day, by the time we're together we'd be too tired. Work is draining the life out of us! This sucks wey..

My raya leaves start on the 10th. Yeah, on raya day itself. Thanks to my boss la. I am praying hard the traffic won't be that bad on that raya eve coz if it is, I swear I'm gonna.. *tightened fist* I'm gonna.. I'm gonna cry.:((

*inhales*

Mom's birthday tomorrow. Happy birthday, Mak. I love you so much.

This just hit me. 2-Sept-2006. Crap.

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i think ah, i want sata for berbuka

I love sata. No, not the not-so-funny uncle who made 1/3 of the famous Bujang Lapuk. I'm talking about sata, the grilled spiced fish cake wrapped in banana leaves originally from Terengganu. Oh mang, sedap gile please. *drools*

It's not easy to find it in my area tho. And the fact that I'm not adventurous enough to venture to other PaRams but the one opposite my office and the one near my sister's place (heck, I've never even been to other PaRams but those two) because I just don't have the time to go and urghhh the crowd, the crazy traffic, the afternoon rain - I'd rather settle for small PaRam or home cooked food thankyouverymuch.

Out of the only two PaRams I frequent, only one stall found selling sata so far. 5 teeny weeny sata for the price of RM3.50. Damn capitalist right? And the taste is not as good as the original ones from its motherland pun.. Sigh.

Having said that, I just can't wait for the trip to Perhentian. I'm gonna be reunited with two of my favorite things in the whole of Terengganu - the sata and the Perhentian island. My third time to Perhentian, I should try the other beautiful islands around there already, but oh well. The things I do for love.. ;)

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i think if.. it's love..

..And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever.. :)

Happy 8!

11.12.09

i think envy is a mean fat obnoxious lil' monster like you

We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are. Whatever you say, or think of others reflect back to yourself. Karma, baby.

Or maybe that's just your insecurity in resonance with that voice at the back of your head.

We only hear what we wanna hear, innit?*sniggers* You will learn, young lady..

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i think this will be untitled

The last time I went for a funeral was way back in 1997, when my grandmother passed on.

I remember dad came to pick me up from school in the middle of the week, saw him talking to the warden with a serious face. I thought I did something wrong and that the warden requested my dad to get me out hence dad's unexpected turn-up. I don't remember him breaking the news to me when I got into the car. It was not until we were halfway home. We went straight to my grandparents' house.

I remember (my late) Nenek's body lying stiff in the hall, covered with a cloth from head to toe. I remember we sat around her. I remember reading the Yaasin and fighting back tears. I remember reading the Yaasin and crying cause it was so hard to not cry. I remember holding her cold hands when we bathed her. I remember kissing her for the last time before they fold up the kapan cloth. I remember the last glimpse of her body before Nenek was laid to rest.

Last Monday, I saw sons and daughters going through the same thing. I saw grandchildren kissing their grandpa for the last time. Some were crying, some were not. Probably too young to understand what was happening.

Mom cried for a dear uncle who left. I cried because mom cried. I cried because I felt for their loss. Most of all I cried because I fear of losing.

Mom held my hands throughout the funeral. I looked at mom's old wrinkly hands, this old fragile person is my only pillar of strength. I cried even harder.

Al-Fatihah to Tok Lah and Nenek. May their soul rest in peace, and may Allah bless them.

Allahummaghfirli waliwalidaiyya, warhamhuma kama rabbayaani saghira. Amin ya rabbal 'alamin..

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i think it's one hour after one, i'm a little stuffed and i need sleep now.. :P

i think you make me happy, you magnify my better half

BBM chat between me and The Present (hereafter be referred to as SalmonKhan), this is gonna be something for me to read on days I get weak and lack the funk to go on.. :)

Participants:
-------------
TunaTurner, SalmonKhan

Messages:
---------
TunaTurner: I feel like I don't belong here la
TunaTurner: Sigh
SalmonKhan: Haiyo.. Why la baby?
TunaTurner: Feel so out of place...
TunaTurner: I don't feel this job anymore
TunaTurner: (chronic PMS alert)
TunaTurner: (or maybe early 30s life crisis)
TunaTurner: =))
SalmonKhan: Hahahahahaha.. U ah..
SalmonKhan: Are u actively involved in the audit or just tagging along?
SalmonKhan: Alaaaa.. Keep your head up la baby.. U're still involved in very important issues here and they are depending on you ;)
SalmonKhan: Don't sell yourself short la..
SalmonKhan: Just the TS audit itself is a huge deal for this company.. And u're playing a pivotal role kan :)
TunaTurner: What role?
TunaTurner: Sigh
TunaTurner: It's not about me feeling insignificant
SalmonKhan: Don't say that la..
TunaTurner: It's just dat I don't feel this job anymore
SalmonKhan: There's a reason ur presence is needed for the control plan approval and review
SalmonKhan: Ah.. I get you on that..
SalmonKhan: U know what I think u need?
TunaTurner: And I'm well aware dat I'm driving myself to destruction
TunaTurner: Hehe
SalmonKhan: I think u need to taste some "accomplishment" here..
SalmonKhan: Maybe another project
TunaTurner: What kinda accomplishment la ?
SalmonKhan: Or something along those lines
SalmonKhan: It sounds like u've forgotten the feeling of accomplishing something and getting the recognition you deserve
SalmonKhan: And yes.. If you stay this way, u're heading down the road of self destruction la baby..
SalmonKhan: That's not good la baby
SalmonKhan: I know you well enough to say u're smart and assertive..
SalmonKhan: Two very strong qualities that u have that can lift u up..
SalmonKhan: And i'm not jus being nice k..
SalmonKhan: I really think what happened has just made u forget the feeling of accomplishment
SalmonKhan: Try reminiscing something u completed and got praise and self-satisfaction for..
SalmonKhan: Anything else u did here
SalmonKhan: Despite the stupid antics ur asshole of a boss has..
SalmonKhan: Remember the other aspects of it that made u feel like u were kicking ass in this field ;)
SalmonKhan: I really think u just gotta feel that success again..
SalmonKhan: It's not easy to put life back into ur work when u've been slapped in the face
SalmonKhan: Trust me I know..
SalmonKhan: But remember, and I mean REMEMBER.. If you've accomplished something even just once.. You can DEFINITELY do it again!
TunaTurner: Sigh
TunaTurner: My motivation is zero la
TunaTurner: What a pathetic realization to have on ur 28th bday
TunaTurner: :(
SalmonKhan: all u gotta do is stand up and keep that posture straight.. And start moving forward again.. Soon those baby steps will turn to footsteps.. And before u know it, u'll be running again..
SalmonKhan: It's not a pathetic realization
SalmonKhan: It's good!
SalmonKhan: How're u gonna overcome a problem if you don't know what the problem is????
SalmonKhan: But now you do..
TunaTurner: :'(
SalmonKhan: It's like when a tech tells me.. "boss.. Device ni tak leh run, tolong fix"
SalmonKhan: I'm thinkin "wtf am I superman?"
SalmonKhan: "what's the problem?"
SalmonKhan: "corr lockout, gain error, calibration fail.." Whatever it is.. Once I know the problem, I can move towards fixing it..
SalmonKhan: before this.. Ur system was just telling you "boss, tak leh run, tolong fix"
TunaTurner: Brb
TunaTurner: Auditors are here
SalmonKhan: Now.. Ur system is telling you "hmmm, failing kat lower limit.. marginal failure.. Test name Motivation.."
SalmonKhan: :p
SalmonKhan: Just remember what I said
SalmonKhan: And read it over if u didn't digest it the first time..
SalmonKhan: ;)
SalmonKhan: Love you!

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i think i heard she called out a warning; "Don't ever let life pass you by!"

I have a feeling that my international working visa application is going to be rejected, dammit! You wanna know why? This stays between you and me yeah? The immigration's gonna turn me down because I don't pay my tax. LOL!!

Sigh. Roadblock. I shall not give up hope just yet kan? This is something I gotta while I am still 'young'.

On the same token, I'm gonna turn 28 in just a few hours. I have gotten over the fact that I am getting older numerically, since I could still pass as a college student, and that, somehow, at the risk of sounding shallow, consoled me. Oh, and did I tell you that my new beau is 2 years younger than me?:P

Happy birthday to me! Live like you're dying, people. ;)


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i think i've found a way for you and i to finally be free

When we get there, we're gonna fly so far away,
Making sure to laugh, while we experience anti-gravity

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i think i'm gonna keep this up

Question: what do you call a person who eats pussy?
Answer: a VAGI-tarian.
(Him making fun of my no-meat diet..:P)

When I decided to give up meat temporarily by the end of April, I had no apparent motives other than to live healthy. Not because of I couldn't bring myself to eat chicken cause chickens are cute, and just because I was practicing a no-meat diet and with the word diet associated, people thought I was trying to lose weight. Haha. Some even thought I went pescetarian because of him, which is the most ridonkeylous thing to say cause he is as carnivorous as a carnivore can be.:P

So yeah, nothing related to humanitarian perspective or anybody that is romantically linked to me, my ultimate objective was just to be healthier.

Why pescetarian? Simply because it's more practical than a vegetarian diet. I love my lala goreng, butter prawns, ikan bakar and everything seafood! It's easier to convince the mind to give up meat (red meat especially) because generally it contributes to many serious diseases. Most Japanese live a longer life although they smoke like a chimney, thanks to the pescetarian diet.

I turned pescetarian for 30 days and the result - I felt healthier, really. I wasn't feeling sluggish after lunch and I loved it. I shed a few kilos me thinks, as my metabolism rate increased as fish and vegetables require less energy to be digested. Increased metabolism equals zero constipation equals happiness to the power of 10. Hahaha.

Truth is, I still love meat. Red or white. Bak kata Michael Jeksen, if you're thinking bout my baby it don't matter if you're black red or white. Ooh! ;)



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i think she's my everything

My girl, Anna Molly, is now one year old (since the day I got her lah). I don't really know the date she was born, she was about four months old when I got her, which technically means she is now 1 year and 4 months old, or something like that. :P

I thought of celebrating her birthday today when I realized it was a week ago.:P Sorry Sayang, Mummy forgot the exact date I got you. I thought it was on a Sunday two weeks after I got back from Phuket last year. But it was actually a week only, on 25th May 2009 to be exact. So yeah, Happy Belated Birthday, Molly! ;) *throws confetti*

There were times I tried to give her up, I'm sure glad I didn't. Can't believe that it has been a year since we co-existed. Now she's old enough, and I've found her a handsome boyfriend, we'll talk about family planning soon. ;)

Here's the first few pictures of her that were captured when I first brought her home, looking scared but sooo adorable. She still is.. (adorable, but no longer scared) ;)

Mummy loves you long time, Moyyie! *huggles*

i think this is true

While you SCREAM at your woman, there's a man wishing he could talk softly in her ear. While you HUMILIATE, OFFEND and INSULT her, there's a man flirting with her and reminding her how wonderful she is. While you HURT your woman, there's a man wishing he could make love to her. While you make your woman CRY there's a man stealing smiles from her.

Stand up against Domestic Violence!!!

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i think it feels like the first time when you kiss me my lover :)

Hugeness cuteness! Molly's future ex-husband. ;)

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i think life is good..

I hate my boss. It's no secret. He's a bitch who always has something up her (sic) sleeves. His success story of how he started off as a technician and worked his way up to a manager used to impress everyone, but now he's seen as just like another 'ground nut forgets its skin'. Lol. :P That's what power and fame do to you I guess. But I digress, the only reason I hate him is he's a snake. The kind who would be all nice in front of you and bitch about you behind your back. I mean, it baffles me - why would he want to bitch about his engineers? Doesn't that make him look equally bad? If your engineer is gaining recognition and visibility, aren't you suppose to be happy? Coz that could only be interpreted as your success as a manager in people development.

I am soooooo not a morning person. Every morning I would miss the daily 8.30 morning meeting by 5/10/15mins. Recently I am given a verbal warning because of my 'tardiness' issue. Now I know for a fact that he couldn't take any action on me because I know and he knows well that I am not going against the company's rule. The 8.30 meeting is his rule. And even if I am late I am still in before 9 which is the company's rule. Whatsmore I am not the only one who'd be late. Almost everyone is late.

Anyhow I acknowledge my problem. So what I did was, I went and see a manager from another group which I deal a lot with them. Luck was on my side, he was more than happy to have me on his team. It's a win-win situation for me. I get to do the same thing as what I'm doing now minus the 8 fucking 30 meeting. And I'm pretty sure I get to 'shine' just as bright there (ya Allah, perasan gila!)

I told my boss about my plan to move to that other team. I was then called to see the HOD. Long story short, they wouldn't let me go. Even 'reminded' me that no one wants you if you're having tardiness problem. Wasn't that a threat?? If I am such a bad apple, just let me go goddamnit!

What a bitch kan? And I haven't even started on what he did to my good friend Soo. She worked hard last year only to be labeled as an under performer. Now he's getting rid of her by shifting her to another group and telling everyone how he's 'relieved' to let go of her. Wtf?

Despite the frustrations I have for my direct supervisor, I gotta say that things are looking up for me. Although I am notorious for my 'tardiness' issue, I am recognized for my ability and potential (amboi, perasannya...!). Well, at least that's what my HOD told me (that's what matters the most) and that was what reflected in my yearly review la.

I know I should count my blessing. I didn't work that hard and look where it got me. All I gotta do now is ignore the bitch, work on my projects, give it a lil more extra effort if not my all and let's see where it's gonna take me. ;)

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I think you make me shine like gold, buzz like a bee ;)

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I think I'm done being melancholic :P

Went for a trip on the east coast. Perfect way to get over February I must say, where things were just super crazy and taxing.

The trip was also a reward to self to celebrate things. I feel like slapping myself silly when I realized that I had chose to hang my head in sorrow in February, overshadowing the things and people I should really be thankful of.

But I digress. The trip did me good.

I buried down all memories from the past in the soil of Redang, washed my wounds with the clear blue salt water. And isn't salt water good for your wounds? Scabs were all cleaned up, washed by salt water and dried up by the glorious sun. I know I am scarred but at least it's not bleeding anymore.

I lost my good ol' buddy there - my Sony T10 who has been with me for more than 5 years. The longest relationship I've ever had in my entire life. Haha. Like most things I've lost, I lost it carelessly. Got to admit I was deeply affected by it, but I guess I've matured a bit, I didn't beat myself up about it.

Enough with negativities. I started 2010 infused with hope and hopelessness. I made peace with myself, I have been sabotaging myself at work and jeopardized the reputation I had built. It was like sailing in a rough sea, I was terrified of drowning (cause I don't know how to swim, haha) but I thank The Present for volunteering to be my life guard, ever ready to throw me a float, ever willing to jump in and save me.

And for that I am sanguine, I am going to just live for the moment, be happy and be grateful. Amin.



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Test

Hope this works..
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i think it's a sale (part II)

Nokia E63 for sale!

Used for less than 5 months.

Selling dirt cheap (seriously!), email me if interested. ;)

tienaschmojes at gmail dot com

i think i am just being that woman who made mistakes, who got things wrong

I guess it's only natural for you to be skeptical of changes to a point you'd reject a new environment when you had conveniently convinced yourself that your life was content. I guess it's only natural for you to build a wall around you to shield yourself from the forthcomings and what-have-yous, you're afraid and the safest bet is to play it safe. I guess it's only natural to hold back when a known stranger tries to tumble that wall of your fort, you resist his attempt to make an emotional connection. Old memories, fear, uncertainty and what-if's will cloud your mind, sending you to a clinical panic attack and frantically you search for familiarity when you realized that those faces you see and everything around you are no longer the same..

The consequences - an extreme emotional roller coaster, triple eyebags, maimed confidence, life gone haywire. Pandemonium! You're trying to act all tough but inside you're just about to crack under pressure.

Sigh.

Well, lesson learnt: axe your ex. Avoid contact at any cost, avoid bumping into each other because it will only trigger unnecessary emotions and emotions make you weak. And goodbye something is never a good idea (what's good about goodbye anyway?), but if you must, make sure:

- he didn't already go for an overseas trip with some girl in less than a month from the date you broke things off (to his defence was in his quest of moving on, oh well men suffer too you know). Only God knows what happened during the trip so save your imagination cause it'll be like picking at old scabs and the only person who'll bleed is you.

- he doesn't have separate folders of smses from multiple female senders in his mobile phone Message Inbox (oh, men need someone to talk to, they get weak and lonely too you know), which I presumed the many smses of different girls he's in touch with just to assure his ego inflated.

- he is not in a 'It's Complicated' kind of relationship with someone he calls 'Kak', to reduce the possibility of you reading an sms dated few days earlier about her wanting to end the relationship between the two of them and that she will always cherish the 1 month and a half of their (his and her) relationship (which gets your logic thinking that he actually 'moved on' 2 weeks right after your break up with him? Ouch!)

- lies, lies and more lies. You get confused, what's the point in him lying when everything has disintegrated - was he trying to cover up something? Was he still trying to get in your good book or in your pants? (Beats me..)

So believe you me, it's never a good idea unless you have made sure he's clear of the three aforementioned. Especially when you heart is still fragile and you have a temper as thin as paper, failure to confirm these three would only make things worse for you. Check and make sure - before you get all sappy when you see this on his Facebook Wall:

So cry, wail, beg, vent, reflect. Get sad, get mad. You're just being human. Acknowledge your feelings.

Lastly, make peace with bad relationship or so-called life disaster or it would come haunting you back. Apologize - call or send a 'sorry' card, so long as you tell him that you are sorry for having done something that has caused him problems or unhappiness.

Memories will remain but it's time to make a whole new set of memories with the Present, yes? All the best! (read: just move the fuck on!)

i think i am just being that woman who sometimes cried on a Monday morning or at night alone in bed

I have been losing it for the last couple of days (or maybe weeks). Don't know la what has gotten into me. Sigh. I seemed to be making promises only to break them later. I was utterly resolute in taking off and saying goodbye, but 24 hours later I would be wishing, crying and beg even for the train to get me back to the first station where I boarded.

Obviously I have taken on a journey (a so-called mission to move on) with a seriously excessive baggage containing the past. And the price I have to pay for this 80 kilos of excess baggage? Is worth my pride.

I let emotions overruled all rationality and went berserk when reality hit right smack in my face. Maybe it's time to leave the excess baggage at the next station and carry on with just my backpack of essentials? Maybe it is..

On a lighter note, oh man, this video is hilariously.... freaky. Haha.

I don't know if I can yell any louder,
How many times have I kicked you outta here,
Or said something insulting?

I can be so mean when I wanna be,
I am capable of really anything,
I can cut you into pieces,
When my heart is broken.

I always say how I don't need you,
But it's always gonna come right back to this..

How did I become so obnoxious,
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty.

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby, I don't mean it
I mean it
I promise

I always say how I don't need you,
But it's always gonna come right back to this..

I forgot to say out loud how,
How beautiful you really are to me,
I can't be without - You're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you
I'm sorry

I always say how I don't need you,
But it's always gonna come right back to this..

I always say how I don't need you,
But it's always gonna come right back to this..

i think all that was left was a bundle of memories, and an image of his face that became more and more vague each day

Have you ever watched a movie and felt as if it was an adaptation of your life? It can be coincidences or maybe the story of your life is too stereotypical that anybody could have turned it into an hour and a half film.

I cried a bucket when I watched P.S I Love You. Despite being the best romance movie I have ever seen in this decade, I also thought somehow I could relate to it. Not that my boyfriend died and left me letters or anything, but when I first watched it, the first 20 minutes or so seemed very familiar, like it was an excerpt of my (then) love-life.

It was one of those nights where Mr. Tiena and I called the 'Movie Night. It's always 'Movie Night' whenever we got back from D's studio cause that's when we'll be lending two or three of Z's pirated dvds. We were just finished eating a home-cooked dinner, I got the cd into the player, snuggled myself between his arms and his protruding tummy.

The first 20 minutes or so got us silent. The moment the fighting couple slammed the door on each other, and seconds later opened the door and ran into each other, made us turned our heads, I looked in Mr. Tiena's eyes and he mine, and we burst out laughing. And that was when P.S I Love You was declared as 'our' movie. And the song Love You Till The End by The Pogues, was 'our' song.*pass barf bags around*

Fast forward to a few weeks later, we were yelling at each other, I shoved him out of the house, told him off, slammed the door shut. Fifteen minutes later I opened the door, normally he'd still be there, standing outside the door and then I would rush into his arms and apologize profusely. But that day was not a normal day for us. He was not there. He left, just like I asked.

I thought this is what I have always wanted. But why does liberation feels like an empty universe?

Drafted on 16/10/2008

Found this in the Draft folder, it was almost two years ago.. My guess it was too mushy I couldn't hit the Publish button. LOL. At that time I was still in an on-off-on-again-off-again relationship.

Pretty sure every woman out there could relate to Holly. She was a woman who made mistakes, who sometimes cried on a Monday morning or at night alone in bed. She was a woman who often became bored with her life and found it hard to get up for work in the morning. She was a woman who more often than not had a bad hair day, who looked in the mirror and wondered why she couldn't just drag herself to the gym more often, she was a woman who had sometimes hated her job and questioned what reason she had to live on this planet. She was a woman who sometimes just got things wrong.

I really love the book and the movie, they never fail to make me laugh and cry my eyes out every single time (I wear my heart on my sleeve). As melancholic as I was in the first six paragraphs above, a fraction of Gerry and Holly's fictional love story strikes a chord, tugs the heart. It got me reminded of the past. Sigh.

Now the irony of it all is I am beginning to see/be in the other chapter of Holly's life towards the end of the book - right here, right now, in the present. Only his name isn't Daniel, but his previous love's name is Laura (in the form of 4-wheel automobile though, haha. And I'm pretty sure that this present isn't the future).

Self reflection today got me realized that I am beginning to feel really annoyed (those around are sure irritated as hell to be hearing me whining about the same thing week after week after week! Hahaha... :P) with myself because of the things I did and do to myself, to The Past and to The Present.

Sigh... You're right, I have to stop being selfish.

Happy Valentine's, people. ;)

i think emotions make you weak

I am still hung up on my past. There, I said it. The plan had been simple – to stay together and be happy. It was really that simple. Nothing lavish or over the top (took me a while to come to terms with that living moderately part. As a kid I dreamt of growing up to my childhood ambition, super fat paycheck, super handsome husband with a super fatter paycheck, super big house, super big car. Big dream, I know. Thanks to my Standard 2 teacher who always encouraged us to dream big). So yeah, nothing lavish, nothing OTT, just a modest life made out of each other. Me and him, nothing else matters kinda shit. We both believed that we could accomplish. Anyone would agree that it's attainable by any Dick and Jane. Simple, attainable; yet not as easy as it sounds. You know, shit happens. In our case, shit happened. Hearts were broken. Losses were grieved. Life goes on.

I am too involved with the present. I am not too sure of the future though. For the first time in the entire 28 years of my life, I made a decision that shocked me. I know I could be very unpredictable (that's just hormones, really), I get crazy at times (not Tanjung Rambutan's crazy) but realistically I would keep it low, play it safe, you get the drift. For the first time in the entire 28 years of my life, I am with the present that guarantees me no future and comes with an expiry date.

I am now embarking on a journey of my own. Carrying a backpack stuffed with my bantal busuk (a dreamcatcher and makes me feel at home where ever I may be), a carton of cigarettes, a bundle of memories and a handful of pride (or whatever's left of it). Often I got lost, broke down in tears, felt helpless and hopeless (don't sympathize, that's just me being human). In this journey, the present follows me like a loyal friend, telling me stories and jokes for me to reflect on, to laugh at, to keep me company.

Did I tell you that I am not too sure about the future? (Future is too big of a word, intimidating and paranoia inducing). I've been tripping over the worry factor over the past few months before I stopped being realistic, and converted myself into an idealistic.

The plan now is still simple. Still with the same objectives – to stay together (with myself, to hold myself together at all time and to remember to keep breathing) and fuck it, just be happy.


PS - Congratulations to two dear friends who got married to each other today. May the future holds nothing but happiness for the both of you. :)