i think emotions make you weak

I am still hung up on my past. There, I said it. The plan had been simple – to stay together and be happy. It was really that simple. Nothing lavish or over the top (took me a while to come to terms with that living moderately part. As a kid I dreamt of growing up to my childhood ambition, super fat paycheck, super handsome husband with a super fatter paycheck, super big house, super big car. Big dream, I know. Thanks to my Standard 2 teacher who always encouraged us to dream big). So yeah, nothing lavish, nothing OTT, just a modest life made out of each other. Me and him, nothing else matters kinda shit. We both believed that we could accomplish. Anyone would agree that it's attainable by any Dick and Jane. Simple, attainable; yet not as easy as it sounds. You know, shit happens. In our case, shit happened. Hearts were broken. Losses were grieved. Life goes on.

I am too involved with the present. I am not too sure of the future though. For the first time in the entire 28 years of my life, I made a decision that shocked me. I know I could be very unpredictable (that's just hormones, really), I get crazy at times (not Tanjung Rambutan's crazy) but realistically I would keep it low, play it safe, you get the drift. For the first time in the entire 28 years of my life, I am with the present that guarantees me no future and comes with an expiry date.

I am now embarking on a journey of my own. Carrying a backpack stuffed with my bantal busuk (a dreamcatcher and makes me feel at home where ever I may be), a carton of cigarettes, a bundle of memories and a handful of pride (or whatever's left of it). Often I got lost, broke down in tears, felt helpless and hopeless (don't sympathize, that's just me being human). In this journey, the present follows me like a loyal friend, telling me stories and jokes for me to reflect on, to laugh at, to keep me company.

Did I tell you that I am not too sure about the future? (Future is too big of a word, intimidating and paranoia inducing). I've been tripping over the worry factor over the past few months before I stopped being realistic, and converted myself into an idealistic.

The plan now is still simple. Still with the same objectives – to stay together (with myself, to hold myself together at all time and to remember to keep breathing) and fuck it, just be happy.


PS - Congratulations to two dear friends who got married to each other today. May the future holds nothing but happiness for the both of you. :)

i think it is surreal

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Even in the dark
And that's where I want to be

i think the beginning is the end is the beginning

It's like a T-junction you comes up to along your journey in the middle of nowhere. You don't really know where does the road on your right is heading. You're not sure where will the left turn takes you either.

This is the point where you have to make a choice, make your own decision.

It's like a one way ticket, you don't get to return to the starting point should you got lost somewhere along the way.

You wonder where will it take you?

There's only one way to find out. Right or left. Left or right. Pick. No destination, no map, no GPS navigator. You are your own explorer.

i think it's the end

Look at my sallow face, but say nothing.
Look at this infinite pain, and for God's sake, say nothing.

Look at this bleeding heart, eyes like the River Jeyhun.
No matter what you see, pass by. Don't ask, say nothing.

Yesterday you appeared at the door of the heart's house.
Your image knocked and said: Come, open the door, say nothing.

I put my hand to my mouth and said: Woe to my broken heart.
He said: I'm yours, don't bite your hand, say nothing.

Since you are my surna, don't sing without my lips.
Until I play you like a harp, not a word about music. Say nothing.

I said: How long will you drag my soul around the world?
He said: Wherever I drag you, come quickly. Say nothing.

I said: While I say nothing, do you want me to burn?
Are you saying: Come in and say nothing?

He smiled like a rose and said: Come in and see.
This fire is jasmine, green leaves and roses. Say nothing.

The fire became roses and spoke. It told me:
Except for our beloved's love and kindness, say nothing.

- Jalal al Din Rumi

i think i need to find the answer

In the MOH's not-so-recent but very graphic ad on anti smoking campaign, I noticed that one part of the dialogue was mutely bleeped out.

The one with the smoking mother with mouth cancer calling out his son ("Shaaawwwwnnn, aaaa aaaavvv yeuwww") again and again who couldn't make out what she was saying. Then the nurse who was around there was kind enough to amplify the message to the kid - "She said, *mute* loves you".

I wonder why.

i think gluttony is me

I took the whole week off just to get away from the office, not to celebrate. Raya sucks, painfully depressing. Same shit, different year. I do not curse the day nor the holy month, shit could happen any given Sunday. But I gotta admit that I'm starting to dislike it as the drama will get to its worst on those days.

Okay, happy thoughts. Things I wanna eat post-Eid:

1. Nirwana Maju banana leaf rice
2. Ikano's steamboat
3. SS2 Ah Hong's seafood
4. Fatty Crab
5. Taiwan Noodle's beef glass noodle soup *drools*
6. Sunway's Ayam Penyet Ria/Wong Solo
7. RT cheesecake
8. Ampang's nasi ayam tepi Petronas
9. Ruz Aladdin's sirap bandung
10. La Risata's pepperoni pizza
11. Domino's spicy chicken wings
12. Anuar Zain (tiba-tiba!:P)
13. My boyfriend

i think this is about me

Sunday's confession

(credits to PostSecret.blogspot.com)

i think it's the hormones talking

Okay, this is gonna be a quick one cause it's raining (!!!) now and I can't wait to wrap myself in quilt on the best bed in the world and sleep. And I cannot not wake up for sahur cause I gotta eat my cajun chicken salad or else I might not survive puasa tomorrow. Just got to let this one off my chest so that I can sleep peacefully without these thoughts bouncing back and forth back and forth back and forth in my mind like Atari's Pong ball.

I think I'm feeling anxious. There are too many I-wants and I-needs and all that shoulda-woulda-coulda that are slowly turning me into a low spirited, low self-esteemed and a pessimist.

Frustrations and Hopes - bold and underlined.

I am not one of those Pollyanna thinkers tonight, I sure don't feel like looking on the bright side at the moment. I know Frustrations and Hopes are going to obfuscate my sight for a while. I shall remember to down some endorphines some time soon just so I can analyse things and (hopefully) find a way, make it work.