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i think it's a sale (part II)

Nokia E63 for sale!

Used for less than 5 months.

Selling dirt cheap (seriously!), email me if interested. ;)

tienaschmojes at gmail dot com

i think i am just being that woman who made mistakes, who got things wrong

I guess it's only natural for you to be skeptical of changes to a point you'd reject a new environment when you had conveniently convinced yourself that your life was content. I guess it's only natural for you to build a wall around you to shield yourself from the forthcomings and what-have-yous, you're afraid and the safest bet is to play it safe. I guess it's only natural to hold back when a known stranger tries to tumble that wall of your fort, you resist his attempt to make an emotional connection. Old memories, fear, uncertainty and what-if's will cloud your mind, sending you to a clinical panic attack and frantically you search for familiarity when you realized that those faces you see and everything around you are no longer the same..

The consequences - an extreme emotional roller coaster, triple eyebags, maimed confidence, life gone haywire. Pandemonium! You're trying to act all tough but inside you're just about to crack under pressure.

Sigh.

Well, lesson learnt: axe your ex. Avoid contact at any cost, avoid bumping into each other because it will only trigger unnecessary emotions and emotions make you weak. And goodbye something is never a good idea (what's good about goodbye anyway?), but if you must, make sure:

- he didn't already go for an overseas trip with some girl in less than a month from the date you broke things off (to his defence was in his quest of moving on, oh well men suffer too you know). Only God knows what happened during the trip so save your imagination cause it'll be like picking at old scabs and the only person who'll bleed is you.

- he doesn't have separate folders of smses from multiple female senders in his mobile phone Message Inbox (oh, men need someone to talk to, they get weak and lonely too you know), which I presumed the many smses of different girls he's in touch with just to assure his ego inflated.

- he is not in a 'It's Complicated' kind of relationship with someone he calls 'Kak', to reduce the possibility of you reading an sms dated few days earlier about her wanting to end the relationship between the two of them and that she will always cherish the 1 month and a half of their (his and her) relationship (which gets your logic thinking that he actually 'moved on' 2 weeks right after your break up with him? Ouch!)

- lies, lies and more lies. You get confused, what's the point in him lying when everything has disintegrated - was he trying to cover up something? Was he still trying to get in your good book or in your pants? (Beats me..)

So believe you me, it's never a good idea unless you have made sure he's clear of the three aforementioned. Especially when you heart is still fragile and you have a temper as thin as paper, failure to confirm these three would only make things worse for you. Check and make sure - before you get all sappy when you see this on his Facebook Wall:

So cry, wail, beg, vent, reflect. Get sad, get mad. You're just being human. Acknowledge your feelings.

Lastly, make peace with bad relationship or so-called life disaster or it would come haunting you back. Apologize - call or send a 'sorry' card, so long as you tell him that you are sorry for having done something that has caused him problems or unhappiness.

Memories will remain but it's time to make a whole new set of memories with the Present, yes? All the best! (read: just move the fuck on!)

i think i am just being that woman who sometimes cried on a Monday morning or at night alone in bed

I have been losing it for the last couple of days (or maybe weeks). Don't know la what has gotten into me. Sigh. I seemed to be making promises only to break them later. I was utterly resolute in taking off and saying goodbye, but 24 hours later I would be wishing, crying and beg even for the train to get me back to the first station where I boarded.

Obviously I have taken on a journey (a so-called mission to move on) with a seriously excessive baggage containing the past. And the price I have to pay for this 80 kilos of excess baggage? Is worth my pride.

I let emotions overruled all rationality and went berserk when reality hit right smack in my face. Maybe it's time to leave the excess baggage at the next station and carry on with just my backpack of essentials? Maybe it is..

On a lighter note, oh man, this video is hilariously.... freaky. Haha.

I don't know if I can yell any louder,
How many times have I kicked you outta here,
Or said something insulting?

I can be so mean when I wanna be,
I am capable of really anything,
I can cut you into pieces,
When my heart is broken.

I always say how I don't need you,
But it's always gonna come right back to this..

How did I become so obnoxious,
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty.

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby, I don't mean it
I mean it
I promise

I always say how I don't need you,
But it's always gonna come right back to this..

I forgot to say out loud how,
How beautiful you really are to me,
I can't be without - You're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you
I'm sorry

I always say how I don't need you,
But it's always gonna come right back to this..

I always say how I don't need you,
But it's always gonna come right back to this..

i think all that was left was a bundle of memories, and an image of his face that became more and more vague each day

Have you ever watched a movie and felt as if it was an adaptation of your life? It can be coincidences or maybe the story of your life is too stereotypical that anybody could have turned it into an hour and a half film.

I cried a bucket when I watched P.S I Love You. Despite being the best romance movie I have ever seen in this decade, I also thought somehow I could relate to it. Not that my boyfriend died and left me letters or anything, but when I first watched it, the first 20 minutes or so seemed very familiar, like it was an excerpt of my (then) love-life.

It was one of those nights where Mr. Tiena and I called the 'Movie Night. It's always 'Movie Night' whenever we got back from D's studio cause that's when we'll be lending two or three of Z's pirated dvds. We were just finished eating a home-cooked dinner, I got the cd into the player, snuggled myself between his arms and his protruding tummy.

The first 20 minutes or so got us silent. The moment the fighting couple slammed the door on each other, and seconds later opened the door and ran into each other, made us turned our heads, I looked in Mr. Tiena's eyes and he mine, and we burst out laughing. And that was when P.S I Love You was declared as 'our' movie. And the song Love You Till The End by The Pogues, was 'our' song.*pass barf bags around*

Fast forward to a few weeks later, we were yelling at each other, I shoved him out of the house, told him off, slammed the door shut. Fifteen minutes later I opened the door, normally he'd still be there, standing outside the door and then I would rush into his arms and apologize profusely. But that day was not a normal day for us. He was not there. He left, just like I asked.

I thought this is what I have always wanted. But why does liberation feels like an empty universe?

Drafted on 16/10/2008

Found this in the Draft folder, it was almost two years ago.. My guess it was too mushy I couldn't hit the Publish button. LOL. At that time I was still in an on-off-on-again-off-again relationship.

Pretty sure every woman out there could relate to Holly. She was a woman who made mistakes, who sometimes cried on a Monday morning or at night alone in bed. She was a woman who often became bored with her life and found it hard to get up for work in the morning. She was a woman who more often than not had a bad hair day, who looked in the mirror and wondered why she couldn't just drag herself to the gym more often, she was a woman who had sometimes hated her job and questioned what reason she had to live on this planet. She was a woman who sometimes just got things wrong.

I really love the book and the movie, they never fail to make me laugh and cry my eyes out every single time (I wear my heart on my sleeve). As melancholic as I was in the first six paragraphs above, a fraction of Gerry and Holly's fictional love story strikes a chord, tugs the heart. It got me reminded of the past. Sigh.

Now the irony of it all is I am beginning to see/be in the other chapter of Holly's life towards the end of the book - right here, right now, in the present. Only his name isn't Daniel, but his previous love's name is Laura (in the form of 4-wheel automobile though, haha. And I'm pretty sure that this present isn't the future).

Self reflection today got me realized that I am beginning to feel really annoyed (those around are sure irritated as hell to be hearing me whining about the same thing week after week after week! Hahaha... :P) with myself because of the things I did and do to myself, to The Past and to The Present.

Sigh... You're right, I have to stop being selfish.

Happy Valentine's, people. ;)

i think emotions make you weak

I am still hung up on my past. There, I said it. The plan had been simple – to stay together and be happy. It was really that simple. Nothing lavish or over the top (took me a while to come to terms with that living moderately part. As a kid I dreamt of growing up to my childhood ambition, super fat paycheck, super handsome husband with a super fatter paycheck, super big house, super big car. Big dream, I know. Thanks to my Standard 2 teacher who always encouraged us to dream big). So yeah, nothing lavish, nothing OTT, just a modest life made out of each other. Me and him, nothing else matters kinda shit. We both believed that we could accomplish. Anyone would agree that it's attainable by any Dick and Jane. Simple, attainable; yet not as easy as it sounds. You know, shit happens. In our case, shit happened. Hearts were broken. Losses were grieved. Life goes on.

I am too involved with the present. I am not too sure of the future though. For the first time in the entire 28 years of my life, I made a decision that shocked me. I know I could be very unpredictable (that's just hormones, really), I get crazy at times (not Tanjung Rambutan's crazy) but realistically I would keep it low, play it safe, you get the drift. For the first time in the entire 28 years of my life, I am with the present that guarantees me no future and comes with an expiry date.

I am now embarking on a journey of my own. Carrying a backpack stuffed with my bantal busuk (a dreamcatcher and makes me feel at home where ever I may be), a carton of cigarettes, a bundle of memories and a handful of pride (or whatever's left of it). Often I got lost, broke down in tears, felt helpless and hopeless (don't sympathize, that's just me being human). In this journey, the present follows me like a loyal friend, telling me stories and jokes for me to reflect on, to laugh at, to keep me company.

Did I tell you that I am not too sure about the future? (Future is too big of a word, intimidating and paranoia inducing). I've been tripping over the worry factor over the past few months before I stopped being realistic, and converted myself into an idealistic.

The plan now is still simple. Still with the same objectives – to stay together (with myself, to hold myself together at all time and to remember to keep breathing) and fuck it, just be happy.


PS - Congratulations to two dear friends who got married to each other today. May the future holds nothing but happiness for the both of you. :)

i think it is surreal

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Even in the dark
And that's where I want to be

i think the beginning is the end is the beginning

It's like a T-junction you comes up to along your journey in the middle of nowhere. You don't really know where does the road on your right is heading. You're not sure where will the left turn takes you either.

This is the point where you have to make a choice, make your own decision.

It's like a one way ticket, you don't get to return to the starting point should you got lost somewhere along the way.

You wonder where will it take you?

There's only one way to find out. Right or left. Left or right. Pick. No destination, no map, no GPS navigator. You are your own explorer.