i think i need to find the answer

In the MOH's not-so-recent but very graphic ad on anti smoking campaign, I noticed that one part of the dialogue was mutely bleeped out.

The one with the smoking mother with mouth cancer calling out his son ("Shaaawwwwnnn, aaaa aaaavvv yeuwww") again and again who couldn't make out what she was saying. Then the nurse who was around there was kind enough to amplify the message to the kid - "She said, *mute* loves you".

I wonder why.

i think gluttony is me

I took the whole week off just to get away from the office, not to celebrate. Raya sucks, painfully depressing. Same shit, different year. I do not curse the day nor the holy month, shit could happen any given Sunday. But I gotta admit that I'm starting to dislike it as the drama will get to its worst on those days.

Okay, happy thoughts. Things I wanna eat post-Eid:

1. Nirwana Maju banana leaf rice
2. Ikano's steamboat
3. SS2 Ah Hong's seafood
4. Fatty Crab
5. Taiwan Noodle's beef glass noodle soup *drools*
6. Sunway's Ayam Penyet Ria/Wong Solo
7. RT cheesecake
8. Ampang's nasi ayam tepi Petronas
9. Ruz Aladdin's sirap bandung
10. La Risata's pepperoni pizza
11. Domino's spicy chicken wings
12. Anuar Zain (tiba-tiba!:P)
13. My boyfriend

i think this is about me

Sunday's confession

(credits to PostSecret.blogspot.com)

i think it's the hormones talking

Okay, this is gonna be a quick one cause it's raining (!!!) now and I can't wait to wrap myself in quilt on the best bed in the world and sleep. And I cannot not wake up for sahur cause I gotta eat my cajun chicken salad or else I might not survive puasa tomorrow. Just got to let this one off my chest so that I can sleep peacefully without these thoughts bouncing back and forth back and forth back and forth in my mind like Atari's Pong ball.

I think I'm feeling anxious. There are too many I-wants and I-needs and all that shoulda-woulda-coulda that are slowly turning me into a low spirited, low self-esteemed and a pessimist.

Frustrations and Hopes - bold and underlined.

I am not one of those Pollyanna thinkers tonight, I sure don't feel like looking on the bright side at the moment. I know Frustrations and Hopes are going to obfuscate my sight for a while. I shall remember to down some endorphines some time soon just so I can analyse things and (hopefully) find a way, make it work.

i think it’s only natural to have this feeling

You’d wish that you could build a wall around you, a sound-proof wall so that you can hear nothing from the outside and they too will hear nothing from your side of the wall and you could just sit in there, perhaps scoot to a corner with your favorite someone or something and just be in your own little world.

Sounds like a manic depression? It's just hormones, really. A sure sign that a holiday is requisite before one loses her mind.

Sayang, boleh tak lepas raya we go holiday? T_T

i think you're only kidding, eh boss..

Might be going to HKG again for the same assignment. Sigh. A recent muhasabah diri gave a realisation that I could be such a negative person at most of the times. I found myself saying "No", "Cannot" and "Impossible" at ideas thrown my way. Okay sebenarnya I'm not negative, I'm just lazy. :P And seriously tired. I mean, how could you not be tired? Try to work with a bonehead for 5 minutes and you'd want to kill yourself by jumping off your 5th floor office.

But still, being negative - uh-uh not good, tsk tsk. Quick pop your ears so your head doesn't explode!

i think i talked too much :P

I'm a firm believer of speaking up and voicing out your opinion especially when you have issues. As much as I'd like to consider myself as an outspoken person, ironically most of the time I would keep mum and keep things to myself, a habit I picked up over the years that is to use silence as a safety net. So what happened when I decided to think out loud?

Me and the whole team were in a session with a business director from the States. What was, up to that point, lively chatter quickly trickled off into silence when he said he wanted to go round the table. He stood there watching us from one face to another, his eyes begging for someone to talk. It was awkward, at least to me. I mean, you know lah, Americans, they are uncomfortable with prolonged silence. Okay, so I thought what better way to break the ice but talk about something that is un-cliche, not the typical how do you think we're doing, how much do you think we're contributing yaddiyaddiyadda.. (Ni la susahnya kalau otak konon dok nak diversify je.. Hehe)

With a light bulb popping out and a pair of lil horns growing out of my head, I thought, wa-hey, here's a channel to give your opinions on your bosses and let the super top management tell them something that we cannot do directly. I mean, day in day out, we've been bitching about our bosses during breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner. We have been complaining about how the bosses are driving us up the wall, etc. Complains turned to grievances, so I said to myself, alright let's 'talk'.

I was 110% sure that I was speaking on behalf of all of us when I said that we have this pent up frustrations inside, and talking to supervisors doesn't seem like the best idea when you don't even think you can talk and they listen without them being judgemental and/or retaliate later. Bottom line, I was trying to (a) implant the idea *superhero syndrome poyoness* to me and my fellow comrades who groan about their boss/job at 9am in the morning, to go to your boss and provide feedbacks and (b) let them know we're not happy and let's work something out.

Apparently these so-called professionals that I call my colleagues did not understand the concept of round-table and the whole whatever-happens-in-the-room-stays-inside-the-room policy. The minute we stepped out of the room, words sprang out like an air-borne virus (read: strings of octet stream called the short message system) and within seconds, it reached our managers' ears phones ears.

I should've stick to that keeping mum and keeping my thoughts to myself thingy, dammit. The nail that sticks out gets hammered down, yes? I sure learnt my lesson about speaking up alright. And I also learnt that, I can be too blunt at times, so I need to brush up on my rhetoric (?) skills.

Last week we had another round table session with the department director. Now, the problem with reverting to silence is that it can lead to feedback that "You're so quiet". Pulak?

Trying to throw a constructive criticism, I tried to bunga-bunga my words. It was too bunga-bunga, I sounded like kaki kipas pulak. Like, euwww sangat.

i think im turning old and boring

July is my favorite month of the year. It's usually less heaty than June and I can stop being cranky and disable that weekend hibernate mode and thank god the world is finally done with fashion studs. And for a second half of a Fiscal year, it means we're basically done with all the outlines and reviews and it's time to sit back and chillax and wait for results. People are less focus on your performance dashboard, so you get to slack off a bit.

Two of my bestfriends got married in July, both looking unbelievably gorgeous and dashingly handsome (not to each other, in two separate weddings). I chose to skip the best-boyfriend's wedding because it clashed with the best-girlfriend's wedding. It seems like I've been skipping everyone's wedding nowadays, I wonder would anybody even care to come to mine next year?

I was down with fever, flu and a crazy sore throat on my birthday. Two huge ass ulcers popped out in my mouth as a consolation of the 3-in-1 combo. Nevertheless I was blessed with family and friends and special ones who made the effort to celebrate me (I am not worth it). From the bottom of my heart, I thank you so much. The best part of my birthday this time around is I had the most intense and sinfully delicious blueberry cheesecake all. to. myself.

On turning a year older? Well, it's nothing out of the ordinary, and it's like gravity, undefiable. At the risk of sounding in-denial, I actually am excited about the big three oh (not there yet) for no particular reason. But I sorta woke up the morning after drenched in sweats like I've been running 10km the whole night; woke up with a ticking sound blaring at the back of my mind. Tick tock tick tock twice the speed of a normal clock, harmonic with my heartbeat. Tick-tocking to something unbeknown to me.

What are you trying to tell me, Life?

p/s Happy happy Birthday, CPMS!